This week has been an interesting one,  We have been delving into conflict and communication.  On the national scene we have witnessed this first hand in Ferguson, MO.  We have seen conflict and we have seen several forms of communication and I am wondering what happened to civil discourse.  I grew up when the great non violent leaders were in charge.  Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi were on the civil scene.  Directing the discourse and standing for justice. I also witnessed the Watts riots and the riots from the Rodney King trial.  Lately though things have changed, it's left me wondering how we can deal with conflict born out of the lack of social justice differently?   What is happening in places like Ferguson and many other places is a bigger issue than just communication but it all starts with that component, communication. I was a hippie and we were all about peace. We used to sing Let There Be Peace On Earth and other peace anthems. What happened to all that?

So now I want to address the way conflict is handled in my world. I wish I could say everyone who has a beef with me or someone else gets to sit down and reasonably  talk it out and we all agree nicely and go on about our business.  I tend to be reactionary especially when I feel I'm being put into a corner on the home front.  I am working to calm down and listen and observe, then and only then, respond.  What a nice concept.  What a difficult thing to do.  In studying compassionate conversation or non violent communication I have learned concepts and techniques I can use to help me when a conflict arises.  I have found the meme in the Third Side curriculum to be useful.  Step one is  deciding the cost of the conflict.  Once we realize the high cost of conflict we can decide to approach the conflict from a different view and work towards peace. Many time we must work through the conflict on an interior level before we can address it in the larger context of relationship. Then I need to identify at what level the conflict resides.  I will diagnose the situation, identify roles and take actions.  This all takes patience and reflection on our role as peacemaker is going to be.

Not long ago we had a situation in our family where one of my children believed they had gotten the short end of the stick on a continual basis and it had been building up for a long time.  This child needed to talk to me about it but didn't know how to enter into that conversation.  She had tried several months before and I reacted so badly she didn't want to cause another imbalance in our family.  I have to admit I did react.  My situation was that I was going to grad school, working two jobs one of which was a very high stress situation and all I heard was a "complaint"  I was very incensed she did not take all that into account and only seemed to be thinking of herself.  On her part can imagine she felt that I was being insensitive and not taking her needs and feelings into account as well.  Conflict was created.  Several months after that both my daughters came and asked to spend some time talking about things in our family relationship that had been troubling my youngest daughter, we agreed on a time and place to meet.  Now I don't like conflict, I try to avoid it as much as possible because I do not know how to deal with it.  Fortunately I have the great mediator living in my house.  My oldest daughter is a natural peacemaker and mediator. When the day came for us to meet the three of us made tea and sat down to talk.  The rules of engagement were laid down by the mediator and we began.  One person got to have their say without interruption.  That meant I had to listen actively and not listen to respond or defend myself.  Then I got to respond.  Actively listening is a skill that slows down the thought process we go through when we have a conversation especially a difficult conversation.  It gives us time to get into the other person's perspective and enables us to use that knowledge to respond without being defensive. I was able to respond with my own thoughts and feelings about her perspective and give my side of the story.  So we hashed out several of our conundrums and finished off with everyone feeling like they had been heard and viewpoints acknowledged.  We also came up with some action plans to enable us to build on what we had decided was the solution to some of the problems.  I am grateful for my oldest daughter's skill in mediation without that I do not know if things could have been worked out with my youngest daughter. There are still things to address and tweak but the general conflict is resolved and our relationship is not as confrontational as it was.

As I learn more about mediation, compassionate communication and non violent communication I will be able to deal successfully with the every day up sets that happen.  I'll also learn to build bridges rather than burning them in the process of working with the children and families I hope to serve in the school I will develop.

Once again peace and all good.
Thanks fro dropping by.
 
Reference
http://www.thirdside.org/

Blog Week 4

ED 6165

This week we took three surveys on communication anxiety, listening styles and verbal aggressiveness.  I have my oldest daughter and my girlfriend evaluate me and I also took the survey.  Evidently they know me as well as I know myself.  There were not any discrepancies in their evaluations and mine. 

In the area of communication anxiety I scored as not very anxious when I am speaking before a group of people.  I did note that there are some situations where I feel anxious in communication in some contexts.  I do feel more confident in communicating when I can prepare and think and process what has been said to me.  Interpersonal communication is stressful if I have to address an issue that makes me uncomfortable to begin with.   Especially with my family members.  Being able to ask for what I need from others is hard for me.  I do better when I can write out what I want to say and evaluate it for clarity,

understanding the context it is stated in.  Not being drawn into verbal power struggles is key when working with children.  That is something I have had a challenge with in the past so I am learning to and effectiveness.

In the area of verbal aggressiveness I was again evenly evaluated the same by myself and my daughter and girlfriend.  I am not very verbally aggressive.  I am learning to stand up for myself verbally while not being aggressive.  Arguing a competent point rather than taking umbrage with what has been said to me. And control myself and not react to what is being said or done.  I use several things for this breathing and the art of being present and really looking at what is going on or listening to what is being said before I respond.  This is a skill that I am developing and will continue to develop though out my life. 

In the area of listening styles it was pointed out I am a people person, empathetic and but am also business like as I tend to pack my schedule.  Also something I am leaning not to do.  Keeping busy is one thing but being meaningfully busy is quite another. 

In my application I was asked to create three goals for myself in the area of communication.  I forgot to include them so I am doing that here. 

1)      Slow down.  Work on being present and not rush through my though process. 

2)       Take my time in responding and gather my thoughts and curtain an action that may have derailed the communication process with the one I am talking to. 

3)      Practice listening.  Active listening so that I can have a better understanding of what is truly being said.

In my view communication is a two way street.  We listen in such a way so that others will speak their minds and hearts. They will feel safe to let us know what they really want.  This is a good skill to have when working with children but especially teenagers.  We need to speak in such a way that others will listen to our thoughts and hearts. So that they will be open to hearing what we have to say.  If we as early childhood educators develop these skills we can have more peaceful classrooms and lives.

Peace and all good

Thanks for dropping by

             This week we are asked to think about how we communicate with different groups of people or different cultures.   I like to think of this as speaking in different voices as the situation requires.  I also recognize that to effectively communicate with people from cultural groups different from mine I must become familiar with the language used.    Now this doesn’t mean I must drag out the Rosetta Stone curriculum but it does mean I must become aware of the vernacular.  For instance when I joined Civil Air Patrol I didn’t understand anything they talked about at meetings.  The commanding officer used initials to describe what activities we would be doing.  A SAR was a search and rescue exercise and we had to find an ELT – electronic locator transmitter.  I also learned to use a certain voice and have a more military barring when I interacted with other members of CAP and the Air Force. 

              Now this is a much different voice than I use when I walk into my home health patients home.  I am there to help with the ADL’s (Activities of Daily Living.)  But I do not say ADL, I ask them what kind of things they need me to do that day.  Cleaning, cooking, laundry and helping to bath are all activities of daily living but I don’t refer to them as such.  I also observe to notice any changes.  When I make my notes on the visit I can use the abbreviations.  If my client was noticeably short of breath I will put s.o.b. (short of breath).  The nurse will know what I mean and pay them a visit to check it out. 

             A third voice I may use is one where I am interacting with children and their families at the school.  I will use a different voice there.  It will use a slightly authoritative voice when directing children to line up for the fire drill and a more friendly voice if we are going out to play.  The tone of my voice can communicate the seriousness of the situation in the first case and the directive in the second.  If the family of a student is from a different culture I may ask the parent to tell me about their culture.  What they do at home for meal time, bed time and holidays.  Then I can translate that back into the classroom in the form work on the shelves to incorporate the expression that child’s culture in to the culture of the classroom.  This brings awareness to the other students and families and also makes welcome the child who is not from the dominate culture of the school. 

             Finding your voice in every situation you are in is not easy.  it takes time and at times study and asking questions of people you may find intimidating.  Do sweat it ask questions and most of all find your own authentic voice it is much more flexible then you think. 

Thanks for dropping by 

Peace and all good 

Oh dear! 

This week we were asked to watch a TV show we don't usually watch and write about the verbal and nonverbal communication that can across with our watching it.   

News Flash!!! 

 I DO NOT WATCH VERY MUCH TV! 

The two shows I watch consistently are NCIS AND Big Bang (reruns for Big Bang  because the daughter's show is on when Big Bang is.)  And this past week I didn't watch any of them.  What to do.  Look in Saturday scheduling.  Nothing at all interesting and I don't watch TV on Saturday to begin with. 

Consternation abounds.  

Since I don't watch much television I chose to watch an episode of a show I had on DVD.  Third Rock From The Sun.  This episode is called Jolly Old St. Dick.  Now the premise of the show is four aliens who are sent to earth to assimilate themselves with earth's culture.  Of Course their understanding of holiday's is somewhat nil.  What ensues is a great deal of misadventure. 

When I watched with the sound off the relationships between some of the characters is easy to understand.  Others not so much.  When the episode opens Tommy and his girlfriend are in the kitchen, they have been studying and are laughing and talking as the girlfriend is packing up her books.  This is easily understood with no sound.  The scene changes to the living room and Dick and the landlady as well as the other two characters.  Can't tell what they are saying but the whole scene ends in a big group hug.   Now Dick is at the office of the college where he teaches.  A piece of Mistletoe was hanging  he takes it and throws it in the trash.  His co-workers come in and get Dick to pick a name to give a gift to for Christmas exchange.  Meanwhile Harry and Sally, have found jobs in a Department store as helpers.  Harry is an Elf with Santa and Sally as a gift wrapper.  As the show proceeds  the communication is not easy to follow with our the sound on. A few scenes are obvious though: when Santa goes on break Harry follows him and sees the man taking off his beard and hair.  Harry is obviously traumatized by this and screams and runs out.  Later during a scene at a bar harry is once again traumatized by several Santa's coming in to the bar.  It was easy to tell what was going on when the sound is off.  As seen in the show when the sound is on it stands out that what was shown in the non sound version was what was shown in the sounded version.  
At the very end of the show there is always a group discussion with all the cast on the roof.  They are always discussing things they do not understand about earth culture.   It was not easy to understand the conversation however it is always easy to understand by their facial expression and body language that they are clearly confused.  

Third Rock From The Sun is one of my go to shows when I am feeling down.  I relate to these characters because like me they get things wrong because they don't understand the context.   That is one of the reasons I like it I can relate to them.  And that is one of the best forms of communication there is. 

Peace and all good 

Thanks for dropping by