Linda's ECE World

This week has been an interesting one,  We have been delving into conflict and communication.  On the national scene we have witnessed this first hand in Ferguson, MO.  We have seen conflict and we have seen several forms of communication and I am wondering what happened to civil discourse.  I grew up when the great non violent leaders were in charge.  Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi were on the civil scene.  Directing the discourse and standing for justice. I also witnessed the Watts riots and the riots from the Rodney King trial.  Lately though things have changed, it's left me wondering how we can deal with conflict born out of the lack of social justice differently?   What is happening in places like Ferguson and many other places is a bigger issue than just communication but it all starts with that component, communication. I was a hippie and we were all about peace. We used to sing Let There Be Peace On Earth and other peace anthems. What happened to all that?

So now I want to address the way conflict is handled in my world. I wish I could say everyone who has a beef with me or someone else gets to sit down and reasonably  talk it out and we all agree nicely and go on about our business.  I tend to be reactionary especially when I feel I'm being put into a corner on the home front.  I am working to calm down and listen and observe, then and only then, respond.  What a nice concept.  What a difficult thing to do.  In studying compassionate conversation or non violent communication I have learned concepts and techniques I can use to help me when a conflict arises.  I have found the meme in the Third Side curriculum to be useful.  Step one is  deciding the cost of the conflict.  Once we realize the high cost of conflict we can decide to approach the conflict from a different view and work towards peace. Many time we must work through the conflict on an interior level before we can address it in the larger context of relationship. Then I need to identify at what level the conflict resides.  I will diagnose the situation, identify roles and take actions.  This all takes patience and reflection on our role as peacemaker is going to be.

Not long ago we had a situation in our family where one of my children believed they had gotten the short end of the stick on a continual basis and it had been building up for a long time.  This child needed to talk to me about it but didn't know how to enter into that conversation.  She had tried several months before and I reacted so badly she didn't want to cause another imbalance in our family.  I have to admit I did react.  My situation was that I was going to grad school, working two jobs one of which was a very high stress situation and all I heard was a "complaint"  I was very incensed she did not take all that into account and only seemed to be thinking of herself.  On her part can imagine she felt that I was being insensitive and not taking her needs and feelings into account as well.  Conflict was created.  Several months after that both my daughters came and asked to spend some time talking about things in our family relationship that had been troubling my youngest daughter, we agreed on a time and place to meet.  Now I don't like conflict, I try to avoid it as much as possible because I do not know how to deal with it.  Fortunately I have the great mediator living in my house.  My oldest daughter is a natural peacemaker and mediator. When the day came for us to meet the three of us made tea and sat down to talk.  The rules of engagement were laid down by the mediator and we began.  One person got to have their say without interruption.  That meant I had to listen actively and not listen to respond or defend myself.  Then I got to respond.  Actively listening is a skill that slows down the thought process we go through when we have a conversation especially a difficult conversation.  It gives us time to get into the other person's perspective and enables us to use that knowledge to respond without being defensive. I was able to respond with my own thoughts and feelings about her perspective and give my side of the story.  So we hashed out several of our conundrums and finished off with everyone feeling like they had been heard and viewpoints acknowledged.  We also came up with some action plans to enable us to build on what we had decided was the solution to some of the problems.  I am grateful for my oldest daughter's skill in mediation without that I do not know if things could have been worked out with my youngest daughter. There are still things to address and tweak but the general conflict is resolved and our relationship is not as confrontational as it was.

As I learn more about mediation, compassionate communication and non violent communication I will be able to deal successfully with the every day up sets that happen.  I'll also learn to build bridges rather than burning them in the process of working with the children and families I hope to serve in the school I will develop.

Once again peace and all good.
Thanks fro dropping by.
 
Reference
http://www.thirdside.org/