My observations were with a little girl 3.0 years old
and her mother. I was with them for
about 12 hours in the home. Mom works from home and was to be the Montessori tutor
for the little girl who also was supposed to have sensory processing disorder. Parents self-diagnosed not done by a doctor
or pediatric OT. So upon observing I noticed
mom was not a confident communicator and the child pretty much had her way by
using the technique of running and screaming when she did not want to do
something. At the initial interview
little one swung a toy segmented wooded snake closer and closer to mom and then
hit her with it. Mom excuse was that child
liked to feel the pressure of the snake hitting her. It hurt mom but she didn’t respond in any way
Dad took the toy away. What I saw was a child who did not want her
mom’s attention be anywhere but on her. She
is at that age where testing the boundaries will be done. Continually until she is sure where they are
and if they are firmly in place. She
tried the same thing with me the first time I read to her. She hit me on the head. I gently took her
hand and guided back down to her lap and told her “I won’t let you hit me.” She
then tried it on several places on my body more gently than the first and I did
and told her the same thing. That was
the end of it.
I also heard
mom do the bribing thing. It is so easy
to fall into that habit especially when you are not a confident person nor a
competent communicator. As someone who
struggles to find the right language to deal with interpersonal situations I
can relate. I have come up with some
very good resources. One is Janet Lansbury’s
blog Elevating Child Care and her book No Bad Kids.
The other is Chick Moorman. His books deal specifically with what words
to use and how we speak to others. That
has helped a lot. I hope you too will
find these resources helpful in your journey in early childhood education.
As for this mom and her daughter I feel sorry for
them. Mom was not open to any advice I
had to give and the tutoring thing was stopped.
I was respectful but could not agree to tell her what she wanted to hear
to assuage her psychological need to have her daughter totally dependent upon
her. There was no sign of SPD. Mom needs
something to be wrong with her daughter in order for her daughter to be
dependent upon her. This is going to
back fire one day and this child is going to give her parents a run for their
money. Her father is complicit in it all
because he is a week person as well. The
child’s self-esteem is already fragile because she senses they view her as not
competent nor complete as she is.
The last time I was there the child threw a full blown
fit because mom needed to get some work done and sat down at the computer. I was able to redirect her but she put on her
act again about five minute later. What
she got was several minutes of mom’s attention for essential oil treatment.
While I think aroma therapy is useful that is not what she really got. She got
what she was after which was mom’s attention.
Mom was played and never saw it coming.
Again I have to say I feel sorry for this family and hope someone can
get through to them about their parenting style. And that their child is developmentally
spot on in every way.
If this sounds judgmental I am sorry as a child
developmentalist and an experienced mother of 5 I feel I have the agency to
assess this situation.
Resources
Lansburry, J. (2014) No bad kids: Toddler discipline
without shame. JLML Press. ISBN:978-
1499351118
http://chickmoorman.com
Hi Linda,
ReplyDeleteGreat Post! I am familiar with Chick Moorman. He provides free resources for and educators. I especially enjoyed his parenting workshops and programs that he offers to help parents with discipline, which included how parents can eliminate whining, back talk, and procrastination, how to hold children accountable without wounding their spirit as well how to gain cooperation without nagging or yelling.
The parent in your observation would benefit a great deal from the workshops as well free resources offered by Chick Moorman.
Hi Linda, thank you for sharing your observation and may I say,what an observation! Like you said, the mother was definitely not communicating effectively with her child, but I don't think she knows how to. She is lacking the skills needed to understand what her child is communicating to her and how to respond effectively. I also agree that this goes beyond communication as it seems as if this family would benefit from counseling or parenting workshops.
ReplyDeleteThere are many things that we can learn from this interaction between from this mother and child and come up with an array of strategies that could help this family with their communication so it could be more positive and effective for all members.
Thank you for sharing!
Take care,
Stephanie
Linda,
ReplyDeleteThat definitely seems like some kind of intervention is needed. Some parents do not realize that their need for their child to be dependent upon them is damaging to her self-worth. the parents may not have had self-worth fostered while under that care of their parents. I can see this because you mentioned that their parents were weak in the sense of self-worth, meaning the child had the say so in the household which should not be he case.